Monday, September 23, 2019

The News

Last night I dreamt I was trying to make an earing out of hematite beads, but I kept fumbling, dropping and loosing the beads while growing increasingly frantic. Hematite1

I hate hematite. I don't like touching it, I won’t wear it, I have tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it out of my house.  Hematite is the reason I won’t let people put stones into my hands (“just to see what you feel”) without telling me what it is first.  Holding hematite makes me feel weak and claustrophobic.

I’ve given up on keeping it out of the house. Pieces of it keep turning up in old gift boxes, the backs of drawers, the compost pile, my tomato bed, while repotting an overgrown plant, and now in my dreams.  I don’t live an a hematite mine, these are polished stones, and while we aren’t talking about pounds and pounds of the stuff I found four small pieces in my office yesterday.

Since it has invaded my dreams, I thought I’d look it up and this passage stuck in my mind:

“Although this stone enhances mental capability, it provides for a calming atmosphere concurrently, and, in addition, encourages one to ‘reach for the sun’. It helps one to realize that the only limitations which exist are those self-limiting concepts within the mind.”  Love is in the Earth by Melody  (emphasis mine)

Oh.

I’ve been struggling with feeling limited and stuck lately.  Often I have to chase my mind back from the Blame Game and feelings of victimhood.  I know those thoughts are garbage, but sometimes I need reminding.

Ok hematite, I will try to listen to what you are telling me.  Try to be gentle.

First impressions, holding in my left hand:  My wrist hurts, I feel tight in my chest like I’m about to have an anxiety attack, my throat is tight and I just started clenching my jaw.  I barely avoided throwing the stones when I put them down to type.

First impressions, holding in my right hand: less anxious but my right ankle hurts and a headache is starting between my eyes. 

Holding in both hands the physical sensations are better, but my head is filled with a litany of, “I hate this, I’m so tired, I don't want to do this” in repeating variations. 

One last try, I here the words “It doesn't have to be like this.”

I will keep trying.

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