Friday, August 23, 2019

The News

Hematite Dreams

Last night I dreamt I was trying to make an earing out of hematite beads, but I kept fumbling, dropping and loosing the beads while growing increasingly frantic. Hematite1

I hate hematite. I don't like touching it, I won’t wear it, I have tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it out of my house.  Hematite is the reason I won’t let people put stones into my hands (“just to see what you feel”) without telling me what it is first.  Holding hematite makes me feel weak and claustrophobic.

I’ve given up on keeping it out of the house. Pieces of it keep turning up in old gift boxes, the backs of drawers, the compost pile, my tomato bed, while repotting an overgrown plant, and now in my dreams.  I don’t live an a hematite mine, these are polished stones, and while we aren’t talking about pounds and pounds of the stuff I found four small pieces in my office yesterday.

Since it has invaded my dreams, I thought I’d look it up and this passage stuck in my mind:

“Although this stone enhances mental capability, it provides for a calming atmosphere concurrently, and, in addition, encourages one to ‘reach for the sun’. It helps one to realize that the only limitations which exist are those self-limiting concepts within the mind.”  Love is in the Earth by Melody  (emphasis mine)

Oh.

I’ve been struggling with feeling limited and stuck lately.  Often I have to chase my mind back from the Blame Game and feelings of victimhood.  I know those thoughts are garbage, but sometimes I need reminding.

Ok hematite, I will try to listen to what you are telling me.  Try to be gentle.

First impressions, holding in my left hand:  My wrist hurts, I feel tight in my chest like I’m about to have an anxiety attack, my throat is tight and I just started clenching my jaw.  I barely avoided throwing the stones when I put them down to type.

First impressions, holding in my right hand: less anxious but my right ankle hurts and a headache is starting between my eyes. 

Holding in both hands the physical sensations are better, but my head is filled with a litany of, “I hate this, I’m so tired, I don't want to do this” in repeating variations. 

One last try, I here the words “It doesn't have to be like this.”

I will keep trying.

Moving the Cats

We are moving.

Maya1We finally brought the cats to the new house.  Maya, our fifteen year old, skinny, black kitty, the one we were most worried about, took the move easiest.  She wandered around a bit, found a soft spot to lay and relaxed.  Stanley, who is brave, brash and only four years old, is a mess. She yowled like it was the end of the world and found a tiny corner where she could hide.Stanley1

It’s been a few days now and they are slowly acclimating, but super affectionate.  We have set up our living room in the furnished basement of the new house and are keeping the cats downstairs while we continue to settle in, move and unpack. At first, they were both perfectly happy to just stay in their space and try to figure out this new home, but Stanley now has other plans. She has started sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for the door to open.  She hasn’t tried to escape into the rest of the house, but she knows there is more to this new home… and she hates closed doors.

Maya on the other paw, has found a chair to make her own and she is hard to pry out of it once she is settled.  It’s already acquiring a smattering of black fur.

“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.”


― Jean Cocteau

We Are Moving

We are moving.3019Dearborn

I haven’t talked about it much to anyone by family and close friends because people always ask the question, “Are you sure you want to move?” My answer is always the same, “Not really, but we are moving just the same.”

We are moving in with my father in law, to help him and help keep him in the best health possible.  It was a family decision that we have been discussing for over a year, but two months ago it changed from a discussion to a plan and from a plan into action – action that has involved an awful lot of paint, spackle and cardboard boxes.

Two months of Joe and I having unexpected health problems (mine are all grounding and first chakra related), two months of trips to Goodwill and the dump, two months of unending visits to the hardware store, two months of plumbing problems and toilets that won’t flush, mowers that don’t mow, and two months of trying to envision what our new home will look like at the end of all this work.

DearbornOh, and two months of me trying to let go of my home of fourteen years.  The place where I built a successful business and we founded a non-profit, the place I planned and planted gardens – some that thrived and some that failed, the place I fell in love with my Husband, the place I never expected to stay more than five years in but crept into my soul.

The place where I feel safe.

Over my kitchen door, the one I go in and out of dozens of times a day, is written, “You are safe.” I always have been safe in this house, and it’s not that I haven’t gotten bad news of had problems here, but I have always been safe, even from myself.DaffDearborn

I spent a lot of energy making myself feel safe here, for months I would walk nightly circles around the property with blessed water, incense, prayers and energy.  I talked to the local faeries and elementals, connected with the spirits of the land and gave this ground all the love I had my heart – sometimes that didn’t feel like very much, but it was all I had to give.

This land gave me back beauty, security, food and my lovely dog Dart – who came to me on a dark and stormy summer night.  My time on this land helped me find the person I thought I had lost under anger, disappointment, loss and loneliness.  I relearned how to love here and how to offer acceptance, I learned lessons on nonjudgement and forgiveness and grounding and gratitude and I keep learning them over and over – each time I get closer to understanding what those words really mean.Dearborn1

I spent hours mowing and digging, giving my mind the space it needed to ruminate and meander.  Space I rarely give myself with some project to work on – this land and this house was my project.

Terry Pratchett wrote (more or less) that people tell the land what it is and the land makes them who they are, I called this land home.

Reincarnation - Are you going around again?

John Michael ThorntonI’ve been thinking a lot about reincarnation recently.  I think what started the thought process was reading an article on climate change and thinking, “Wow, the next time around is going suck.”

My first past life memory was one of cataclysm and destruction. I was running through the streets of a city that was crumbling from earthquakes and rising waters, clutching the hand of a companion.  The memory ended when she was attacked, I don’t know if we made it to docks and escaped. I was fourteen when I remembered those few brief moments and spent years wracked with guilt, convinced I could have done more to save her and get us to safety.  Hundreds, if not thousands, of years later and I am still trying to forgive myself for those last moments. 

Starborn by John NelsonI’ve remembered snippets of other lives since then, I’ve even remembered dying, but nothing shook me to the core like that first memory.  For years after recalling that life I was obsessed with never coming back. I learned what I could about reincarnation and even bought a book, from the humor section, called “101 Ways to Avoid Reincarnation.”  I studied it obsessively. 

Around the same time I read the book Starborn, by John Nelson, in which one character asked the question, “how could I possibly leave everyone I care about without helping them move on as well?”  It was that question that catalyzed the soul growth and evolution of the character. It also deeply resonated with me, but at the time I just wanted to get out and never come back.

Twenty Seven years as a psychic has changed my perspective a bit, and I know my thinking will continue to evolve.  This still often feels like a harsh and challenging planet to live on, but I’m no longer obsessed with making this my last life.

For many people the idea that this is your last lifetime on Earth is almost a boast, a moment of ego. The ida is they have evolved beyond this planet, and maybe they have, but to me there still seems like so much to do here on this lovely blue green planet. There are so many things to learn, so many souls to help, and so many gardens to tend (and trash to be picked up). 

I have had the opportunity to meet some truly amazing people in my life who seem like such evolved and powerful souls – healers, teachers, mystics and amazingly smart, talented and creative people.  I am in awe of the evolved beings, who are still learning and growing.  I often feel like I have long way to go and the idea of graduating from this wheel of reincarnation seems like an impossible dream. There is just so much to learn, experience and do!

That doesn't mean I don’t read the news and think, “stop the world, I want to get off.”  I wonder how I can exist, let alone grow as a sensitive soul amid so much ugliness.  I remember that first past life memory and the horror I felt as we ran for our lives and the conviction I felt that this time, this life, I would do better.  I would be better.

So, I know I’m not done. This will not be my last time around. When I feel tired and overwhelmed by the ugliness, fear and hatred I see in the world I will remind myself that my job is to make myself and the world a little bit better and if I fail today, there will be another day, another lifetime, another chance to be better.

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